I would like to say the earth cracked under my feet and swallowed me up. Or even better that I was abducted to a remote island with nothing but a good book and certain amenities to meet my blissful needs. (Tom and Todd, I haven’t forgotten about you over on St. Lucia).
But I assure you…to my dismay…that I am here. In Irvine. Usually in a tailspin, trying to make sure my mom is taken care of since it’s ridiculously hard to find a true and through, qualified caregiver. My mom’s ALS (Lou Gehrig’s) has been slowly robbing her from her body. Mentally she is still sharp as a nail, and she feels everything. Itches she can’t scratch. Pains she can’t tend to. She no longer walks. Barely talks, and needs 24 hour supervision and help. But she is hanging in there most days. That woman has always had a will as strong as steel. She is China tough. And her faith in her church has been her foundation of goodness and charity. Mom’s good friend, Jill, calls her a “Quiet Giant”.
With all of mom’s stuff going on, I have had to clip my travel wings for the time being. No globe trotter here. There once was a time when the question of the day from my friends were, “Where are you going now?” or “Now where’d you get back from?” I went from traveling daughter to caregiver.
That was hard, but not compared to hearing the doctor’s tell me last Friday that my mom has only a few months to live. I wanted to cry all Friday afternoon, but felt like the plug to the overfilled bathtub was jammed. Until it got pulled. I’ve been crying on and off for three days now… Geez, cry me a river already! I think mom and I have cried more in the last couple months than all our lives. We have never been much of a crying family, mom and I. But it’s all kinds of tears now. Happy tears. Sad tears. Angry or frustrated tears. Slap-happy-tired tears. You name it, tears are so in style right now in an unwanted way. I’ve discovered the sweeter our relationship has gotten over the last few months, the more vulnerable and emotional I have become. I am exhausted.
My will is stronger than my heart, but neither are willing to give up my mom yet. Now that we’ve finally gotten to the relationship I’ve always wanted with her. I used to wish and pray that when God thought it was time, He could just take her without pain and suffering. Well, she’s in pain and suffers and I’m selfishly not ready to let go. Yet. I’m not done loving her or talking softly to her. And I’m not done scaring her with my extreme adventures in skydiving, back country snowboarding, snowmobiling, etc now that I have ‘B’idney to help out!
So on a more positive note…Bidney, has successfully passed his 1 year transplant mark last Dec 9th. We are doing well and though I still get monthly blood work and discuss my results via phone with my awesome doctor up at St. Joe’s, I won’t need to go down to UCSD for a transplant follow up with my team until August. And remember how they’ve been trying to biopsy my kidney for the last several months? It is no longer necessary for the time being. Woohoo! Remember that will of mine? It proved stronger than their wanting to take a piece of my Bidney. Ha!
Carry on, carry on, carry on!!!
