2 Months

It’s not how far you fall

but how you land on your feet

that matters

I usually land pretty well

Today I am teetering a bit

and teetering is only human

until you get pushed.

I’m sitting in a small patient room down at UCSD. Waiting. I hear footsteps outside my door. They get louder and then they fade. It’s a busy world outside my door.

There’s been a debate the last couple of weeks about performing a biopsy on ‘B’idney, who has been leaking some protein in the urine. It wouldn’t be much of a debate, except the patient, me, is causing a little resistance. The resistance being that I am fiercely protective of ‘B’idney and don’t want anything invasive touching him, especially if the results aren’t going to change the course of treatment. I can be stubborn. It’s in my Asian gene. Can’t help it.

The doctor’s enter and are thoroughly amused that I am typing away on my laptop as I wait. I am blogging. People will tell you I am a quick learner. It doesn’t take me long to come up with ideas to be productive on the days I have to wait up to a few hours in clinic. It was dragging my friend along for company. Then came books. Now it’s my loyal laptop that I got for Christmas, which I LOVE.

Discussions start about my lab results. They are looking good. My creatinine  is down a bit, which tickles me as I’m a bit obsessed about results. I’m starting to feel better about my visit, thinking I can avoid the topic of biopsy. Then enters the attending physician. And along with him follows the bad news. My kidney is still leaking protein in my urine. It’s getting worse. My concern was addressed. Doctor Steiner’s understands my concern especially since it’s only a 50/50 chance of finding something worth treating, however, his concern was that since leaking protein is unusual at this stage of post transplantation, he’s concerned it may be an issue of rejection. I can’t really counter that argument. So, we briefly talk about the biopsy and ‘the date’ is set for next Friday, the 22 of February. It’s set.

As I walk towards my car, my gait waivers a bit. I try to stay strong and fight back the feelings as a solo tear rolls down my face. I am totally bummed. A feeling of roller coaster emotions enter as I went from a high to a low. A thought enters my mind, wondering if the worst happens, will I be able to go through this again? I would be better just staying on dialysis instead of getting a taste of the gold only to have it dissipate.  As I continue walking, I plant my feet firmly one in front of another. I say a prayer and know this too shall pass and I will be okay.